School Daze

Happy Friday everyone! I am over joyed that the week is finally coming to an end. Not one single drop of wine has passed my lips and finally tonight I will feast on the grape and let my hair down. Of course I will have to do this in.... moderation (a word which until recently was like a swearword to me). The thing is, once again, I will be meeting up with more of the boyfriend's family, the older brother and his wife so of course, I will have to be on my best behaviour. I went to school with his older brother and have not seen him for 4 years. In fact I have not seen him since my disastrous ten year school reunion - I am sure tonight some of those old faces will be coming out of the woodwork...

Everyone dreams that at their school reunion they will have the most elaborate and exciting story to tell their peers, perhaps look like a supermodel, have a lovely husband, perhaps have heaps of money and have stories of being headhunted and climbing up the career ladder. I had every intention to have achieved all of the above by the dreaded date but, no such luck.
I pulled up in the city where I was schooled and went to the local pub where the class of '95 was to meet for a couple of drinks before the celebrations began. My outfit of course was carefully picked out, hair and make up was perfect, I had psyched my up for the grand occasion and was ready for action!
I was the last to arrive at the pub and walked in to see my class already merry with drinks in hand....Hello hello hello - we all kissed each other hello (once on each cheek like the French) which amused me, we were all trying to act a bit posh and that is where it all started... suddenly all my stupid school girl insecurities came flooding back with one sip of my cider accompanied by the screeching of over excited females. In a heartbeat the idea of hooking up with the boys from our year a few hours later made me feel all agitated and uncomfortable - there I was morphing back into my ridiculous 17 year old self and my stress levels were soaring.
I was still chubby, had no career to speak of, no cash, no boyfriend, I had absolutely no story to tell and for eyes were itchy (probably from blinding light radiating from all the flashing of engagement rings - vomit!) and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin.
When we hooked up with the guys from my year, my boyfriend's brother as per my school days, was the ring leader and started nailing people with fines and shots and got us all merry. I was the quiet little moron sitting in the corner... at a time in my life when I wanted to look amazing and wow my friends (very superficial I know) I had contracted double eyed conjunctivitis and was blinded to the point of having to be led around by hand and guided whenever I made a move. How humiliating!
The uber babes were still the uber babes. The class jocks who fell at their feet were still doing so and confessing their undying love for them after all these years. The very overweight girl who missed the school dance because she had such low self esteem had transformed into a gorgeous, slender hottie, the class nerd was still dorky and still in love with her Cello, class rebel was now a complete goth I did not even recognise her, class head buck (head of the non prefects) had come out of the closest and was living with her lover, the lover's child and their Labrador and me.... I was just the same... exactly the same except of course with a chronic eye infection.
You know I think everyone has at least once dreamt of a moment when you arrive at a party and face all your 'demons' (ex boyfriends, old friends, the class bullies, snobs, basically all those types that have ever thought you were not good enough) and of course you look absolutely drop dead gorgeous, you are super successful and life is "just the berries".

Thank God I grew up and no longer have this desperate desire to impress and be cool. The best thing is now I just say "screw it" - take me or leave me!
Don't get me wrong people - I still want to be a Goddess - there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that however, I want to be a Goddess for me, to feel good, walk tall and be the best I can be. If a few people from the past happen to notice me and think I am a now a hottie then so be it, I would be lying if I said that would not be satisfying!

Wish me luck - BM is taking me out to lunch! If you don't hear from me on Monday, please come looking for me....

S.O.S

BLACK MAMBA HAS ME IN HER CLUTCHES.... - will blog tonight!

Writer's block

I actually feel ill I am so over-excited! My boss has just finally bloody left the building for an external two hour meeting.... ah the small mercies! For a very hair raising and scary minute I thought the meeting was cancelled, I would have been stuck with the Black Mamba on her crazy war path for the entire day... Luckily she was in such a foul mood that I did not move from my seat or have a chance to inspect the goodies from the treat table so perhaps I should thank her.

I am afraid I don't have anything too exciting to tell you today despite being relaxed and happy post Black Mamba's exit. I think I may have "writer's block" - perhaps it is because my pants feel so tight that they are somehow interfering with the oxygen supply to my brain!
I am just having one of those days... bad hair day (static electricity and dark roots starting to show themselves), two pimples are dominating my face (let's call them Ben and Jerry) and my paunch seems to be growing (think I am having a food baby)!
Oh yes and then.....in today's Metro Cindy Crawford is quoted as saying:
"I have cellulite - I admit it. But sometimes I just think - screw it - I am going to wear a bikini"... - I am starting to think, as hot as she is, she is not a Goddess - I mean who says that? Real woman have to say "screw it" everyday and it is not even when you are about to don a string bikini in the Bahammas, it may even just be putting on a t-shirt or a dress for work! Big deal Cindy - dry your eyes!

So here I sit, about to sign off, eating my chunky vegetable soup (86 calories), attempting to see the light at the other end of my "food baby" tunnel, only to hear the determined chomping of my colleague ploughing through her cheese panini. For dessert, my colleague has a coke, Cadbury buttons and wine gums..... me on the otherhand, I have a low fat soya yogurt, a litre of water and an apple!

I have to hang in there. I once read this sweet quote:
"by perserverance, even the snails got to the arc"

Judging by the rate of my weight loss I am definitely the snail in this story so, on that note........................
HOLD ON NOAH - I AM COMING!!!!

Releasing my 'inner cave man'

Do you think that if you have a sliver of cake and drink two litres of water shortly thereafter... that the cake dissolves into nothing and the calories seize to exist?
This time it was genuinely a sliver of cake per kind favour of bloody W.I. so good on me, I have done my bit for developing the skills of British woman . I was resisting ever so brilliantly until my colleague literally lured me over to taste the cake from her mother's 60th birthday party!
Anyway I am over it, I have pulled myself together and I now I am moving "onwards and upwards".... tomorrow I am back at the gym after a few days break because of a minor summer cold.
I am a bit annoyed, my boyfriend who does not know a thing about my secret mission and started his own personal "body beautiful" after me, is losing weight and feeling "right on track" with his goals. What?
Crikey I better shake a leg as next thing "Ken" is going to upstage "Barbie" and that cannot be done

Men are so uncomplicated when it comes to things like this - if they are too fat, they go to gym, stop drinking beer and suddenly over night the Webber lid that that they had appeared to have swallowed is nowhere to be seen! As for us woman... if we are overweight a whole psychological can of worms opens up - we look at the cause, root and symptoms of the problem, join a gym (but of course sometimes that does not work ), then you join a walking club, buy new gym kit, buy weight loss mags, invest in new trainers, put your life on hold until the weight is gone... then banish all wine to speed up the weight loss process but then..... re-introduce it to drown your sorrows and suddenly years down the track and the same ugly and stubborn kilograms are there still there....just popping up over them trousers and there it is, the bloody muffin top!! Seriously I hate to admit it, but instead of trying to find my "skinny girl's mentality" perhaps I should find my "inner man" or should I say.... "cave man"

"ME FAT ... ME MUST STOP EATING CRAP AND MUST THROW MORE STONES TO MAKE ME STRONG" -

According to the very annoying instructor at my gym who commented to me when I was signing my contract, after I told him my main goal was to lose weight and tone up...
"It is simple maths love... you just eat less and exercise more" grrrrrrrrr................ clearly maths has never really been my strong point!

A porky but happy Goddess lies here.....

Another Monday, all calm and collected. No usual blues or aggravation with Black Mamba just totally "zenned out"! I have my flu caps to thank for my day through rose tinted glasses. I have not been feeling that 'hotsy totsy' this weekend, a few aches and pains, sore throat, sinus issues, earache and sleepiness and no it is not "Swine" or "Wine Flu" although I have to say that both (swine and wine) were very much part of my weekend - the swine (piggy): aka me... after eating blimmen Ben and Jerry's ice cream yesterday after a rib and steak barbeque/braai and then of course the wine which is what washed all the food down with!
I will not make reference to falling off the wagon today or confess my ever amounting sins and the reason being is that I had such a fantastic weekend that somehow made the every expanding waistline a complete non-issue. You see, my boyfriend treated me like a Goddess the entire weekend, he cooked my friends and I delicious food whilst I drank wine, played 30 seconds (and won) and solved the world's problems. To top it off we ended it all off with a braai in the most beautiful sunshine (oh yes I forgot, I also had a long lazy two course breakfast with an old friend on Saturday. I will not confess anymore but I will just say it was not good... it involved Belgium chocolate!)
Although I continuously strive to reach Goddess status physically and will continue to do so, I have realised a large part of the Goddess factor is attitude and of course surrounding yourself with people that love you. They are the people that treat you like a princess regardless of the spare tyre around the waist, the silly job or sad bank balance amongst other things. My dad calls these people "foul weather friends" - they are those good people that think the sun shines out of your bum even when the "storm" is at its worst!
So if I die today, my epitaph will read: "a porky but very happy Goddess lies here".... is that really so bad?

OH MY GOD.....there go the rose tinted glasses.... my line manager is cutting his nails at his desk... is this not on the top 5 social taboos of all time? I think I need another flu cap (or five)

Hope you all have a happy Monday - you have 5 days to prepare for "FRIDAY DARE DAY" - think about it people...

FRIDAY DARE DAY

FRIDAY DARE DAY - Happy Happy!

Today is pay day which means I pop into the Accesorise and by myself a treat. Usually it follows a week of good behaviour but, the mind is a funny thing and suddenly, I am allowed to buy something although I have been terribly naughty as now, it is to act as an incentive. Besides, "dare day" is my idea and I have to set a good example and by 9h30 am this morning I had clocked in 4 compliments! You see... it was so worth it!
The outfit for the day: dark blue jeans of course for dress down Friday, grey converse trainers (my uniform nothing daring about the shoes and pants), a white cotton shirt with a panel of smocking down the front, a buttercup yello short leave cardi (oh so British), a big gold heart shaped locket with stones, a chunky gold bangle and in my hair today, is my brandnew purchase... an aquamarine satin headband with a double bow on the side. I am yet to hear from those I tried to convert last weekend over a few bottles of wine to join in on "Friday Dare Day", I wonder what they did? I must say, I have heard from my most diligent 'student', she is wearing "dangly earrings" as her dare... she is my friend with a"blank canvas" for a body - a perfect size 10, but yes people she chose dangly earrings. God, If I had a body like hers...short, tight, white, backless, strapless, skinny jeans, hot pants, racer back, boob tubes, bikini, ra ra skirts, play suits aah the options are endless but actually, after reading that back to myself.... it sounds like I am having a "bad taste party", I would probably get arrested!

Oh dammit - it is 12h15 and I have already devoured my lunch, when will I ever learn? So now I am apparently a late bloomer and a slow learner. I did have a very healthy lunch though, 4 rice cakes, grilled slices of aubergine and red pepper and hummus. I am actually really full but I can see my afternoon treat and it can see me... but no no no! I have just bought myself and incentive so I am going to have to hold out a little longer so I can least feel like I have made some progress.

Tonight I am having a big night in and tomorrow night possibly the same. I am saying no to wine and avoiding a hangover at all costs so that I don't have to embarrass myself and tell you once again on Monday, about yet another accident I have had on my bloody unstable Wagon!

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY, PLEASE PRAY THAT THIS TIME, I DON'T LET GO OF THE REIGNS!!!!!!!

Black Mamba versus the Wicked Witch of Waterloo

I started off (this is now two days running) with a morning spin class.
Extremely skinny sinewy gym buddy is definitely not my conscience.... I don't think even my conscience would not be that thin.
The poor thing grunts and groans, gasps like she is taking her last breaths on earth and her 'barely there' skin looks like it is under the most enormous strain stretching over her ribcage. Surely the gym cannot allow this stick insect to exercise so vigorously, I am pretty scared she is going to break and she is bloody well going to inspire me to eat more one of these days!
That woman gives me a fright every time I see her... somebody, give her a burger!

Today is going brilliantly If I don't say so myself. I have only had watermelon and cereal and that is it people and the time is 12h42!
This has to be a breakthrough. I have not snacked on a single thing! I did open my draw and look for a snack at 10am but luckily all my treats are done and I only have 20 pence in my wallet so.... I have been a little angel by default and I don't care - I am going to claim it.
Black Mamba is a bit manic today and zipping around like a bat out of hell. Today, however, all her venomous words and snipes are aimed at the CEO's PA, Evilena, The Wicked Witch of Waterloo! Evilena is a swear word around these parts and rumour has it if she crosses your path, you have 7 years bad luck! Black Mamba and Evilena are literally arch enemies and have "hargy bargys" on a regular basis. I have to admit, as a result of my Stockholm Syndrome, I end up fighting and defending "team Black Mamba" as if my life depended on it - it really is so sad. The good thing is when Evilena is up to her tricks.... my day becomes freed up to daydream, fictitious shop and talk to the "cool kids" in the office. On days like these I bond so nicely with Black Mamba - she is like a long lost friend as I am all ears for her rants about Evilena in her office whilst the "cool kids" try desperately to hear any clues as to what is going on (obviously I tell them) but only when BM is nowhere in sight! Ah the joys and the good entertainment value of days like these!

Seriously no joke - Evilena is looking for me, if she leads me into temptation by inducing stress I will have to hurt her!!

PS. ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL THE WEEKEND!!!