Dangling a grape...

Happy Friday!
Thank heavens there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is midday Friday and I am yet to ruin my Weight Watchers point counting!
I have resisted two trays of Krispy Kreme donuts, two bags of Maltesers
and two packets of biscuits on the snack table!
Well if I have to be really honest, I had some Maltesers, but like a little angel I counted them into my daily points allowance.
I have only got something like 4 points left for the rest of the day so my supper is going to be interesting as I am sure the 15h00 afternoon hunger attack will get me good and proper and then for supper I will be left with a bland and extremely boring veggie platter! The thought of having a veggie platter and no wine on a Friday night makes me feel rather ill. The only way I get to have a glass of wine, is to do some exercise and get myself some bonus and guilt free points to add to my daily 18. So to all you Londoners, if you see a desperate jogger gasping for air, looking terribly parched and doing speedy laps around Earlsfield (aka Earlsvegas) this evening, please wave, it will be me on a wine run... so much for dangling a carrot - dangling a grape seems to much more effective! (Princess, I know you are with me on this).

Plans for this weekend are simple.... to stay on the frikking wagon at all costs! (Why wagons don't have seatbelts God only knows)

A barrel of laughs....

I went to Weight Watchers last night to see the damage... and it was not good news! At least I am back in the game and ready for action. My mind has been elsewhere and my waistline has suffered! The Black Mamba (aka my boss) put the fear of God into me last week with her tirades and tantrums! It is her fault, she pushed me over the edge and straight onto the treat table and into the chocolate brownies. My Rescue Remedy spray was being used every 10 minutes in an attempt to calm myself down and numb my tongue to prevent any wicked retaliation escaping my lips. From the Rescue Remedy overdose and Velcro tongue syndrome (similar feeling to the morning after the night before) I insisted on snacking to get rid of the awful taste. Let me think .... can I blame anything or anybody else?

My turning point of my downward spiral was going out for dinner on Monday night. It was a delightful Italian restaurant, I was with my boyfriend, his brother and wife and a whole bunch of old friends from my school year. The class genius and the class stud joined us with their better halves. Genius brought his fiancé, blondie, quite loud, bubbly and made it clear that "she had just had a killer spin class" - yawn! My poor suffering boyfriend squeezed my leg in a kind of acknowledgment as if to say "yes I am aware you also did your killer spin class today - well done you!"
Stud brought his new girlfriend ... she looked about twelve, had a chiseled little elfin face with the most exquisite features which of course created the perfect canvas for her designer get up. The rest of the party arrived in dribs and drabs. I ordered my little carafe of white wine and was loving life and chatting ever so nicely. I ordered my meal and was determined to have something different so I chose a Calzone. When my meal arrived everyone was in awe of its large size. I just wanted to shout out, "it is the same bloody size as yours people, mine is just folded over so it is just looks bigger" dimwits! I suddenly felt a bit complexed and scanned the table at all the other WAGS - not a drop of alcohol to be seen... just sparkling water and salads. I whispered to my boyfriend... "Oh me God, I am a little piggy, I am the only one drinking and eating a bloody massive Calzone" - he just laughed and told me I was way more fun!
Thanks for the compliment my man but it got me thinking...jeepers am I like one of those people who is "a barrel of laughs" or "a ton of fun" - aka the chubster who provides entertainment for all the sad skinny people sipping on their sparkling water?

I cannot wait to one day go to a dinner party, look like a million dollars and feast on all the good food and wine. I won't be a boring and order a salad and look pained whilst admiring everyone else's plates. For once, I will be one of those irritating but glamorous woman that everybody admires - a skinny bitch with an appetite!

(Note to self: I must remember losing weight will not make me taller. My vision of me at goal weight is a bit delluded as I see myself with these long legs that go on for miles but.... so not what my Mamma gave me!)

Climbing "Everest"

Hello world, I am back and ready for the next challenge! Indeed it took numerous pep talks and wine but now I am ready to jump on that stupid wagon (origin) once again and show you all what I am made and reveal this very resistant Goddess. So many people have achieved greatness.... written symphonies, climbed Everest, survived starvation in Ethiopia (God forbid), run marathons, conquered drug addictions and fought wars but this tart over here has a problem with losing 10 kilograms! Humiliating!

So what have I been doing, to make this "it"...the time I actually do it and climb "my Everest" you may ask.....

1) I have been clean (without chocolate, sweets, cake and crisps) for 2 days and to top that off I have hit the gym 3 mornings in a row (going for 5 days solid)
2) Tomorrow I am going to Weight Watchers with my bizarre collection of fat fighting friends to weigh in and face the music!
3) I have stocked up with Rescue Remedy so that the venomous words of Black Mamba (my boss) float right over my head and do not make me attack the snack table at work!
4) I have made plans for the next two weekends that do not revolve around the dreaded grape - dry white wine (my kryptonite)
5) and finally.... my partner in crime (my boyfriend) is away for two weeks so no Ben & Jerry's or dinner dates... (booh hoo)

Tomorrow the countdown begins.... but dammit, I need my Sherpas!

Foxy are you reading me? Princess are you there? Come ladies, lets do it!

All I am saying is that the view better be bloody marvellous from the top ... I would have taken long enough to get there!
Sir Edmund Hillary took 7 weeks.... and me? 31 bloody years!

Rising from the ashes

What a week it has been... dealing with the wrath of the Black Mamba, juggling social engagements, good news...bad news and drama!
I am counting the hours until the close of day and then I will be thinking happy thoughts and leaving the office for the entire weekend.
The wagon has well and truly driven off into the sunset without me although I am hoping it will come around again on Monday to pick me up once again... I think I am just having "a technical problem" - I will get it right one of these days and stay on the wagon once and for all!

The boyfriend is going on holiday to South Africa so I will be in London and boy oh boy I am going to hit the gym hard, stay clear away from Ben and Jerrys, curries, wine and eating out! I am hoping to conduct my own mini "boot camp" while he is away and feel fabulous by the time he returns. You know when you get to that point when your shirt buttons are taking a bit of strain and you constantly are pulling down your top to ensure your midrift is not on display? That is where I am at - I just want to put my tracki pants on so I don't feel any hint of being 'vacuumed packed' like I currently do!
I will miss my boyfriend while he is gone however 'there is always sun after the rain'.... the morning after he leaves the country, there is a brand new Sainsburys (Spar equivalent) opening just around the corner! Oh dear, I actually have to walk passed it to go home but not to worry I will be super psyched for "boot camp" and will try not to veer down the crisp aisle or venture anywhere near the bakery!

I know I have been quiet and have quite possibly lost my "mojo" to some degree however, I am getting my Goddess factor back!
Just today... I turned down a burger lunch and tonight I am having fish and vegetables for dinner, please people that has got to count for something! In the words of Stefano from "Days of our Lives" fame - "Like a phoenix, I will rise from the ashes"....I will just dust myself off and try again... and again.... and again - until I get it right!

Back to the Grindstone

Apologies for going AWOL but what can I say, it was long weekend and well there was lots of fun to be had. Of course, once again the "Battle of the Belly" was a bugger and did not go very well....

Friday night: I went out with boyfriend and his family - lots of wine to celebrate the reunion and then to end the night we devoured Kentucky Fried Chicken rounders and chips at 2am!! In a grape induced moment I even got annoyed with my man for eating most of the chips! So embarrassing!

Saturday: SA versus Australia rugby - so there were Fritos (crisps), plenty of biltong and Savannahs! Then for the evening a big night in with risotto and yes.... Ben and Jerrys (not my fault, it was on sale for £1.99)

Sunday: Unbelievably got roped into doing my worst thing ever "going for coffee" - A) super boring and B) I hate coffee and am not particularly partial to tea either. I met the girls just after 11am and after a cup of tea and speaking rubbish it took us all the way to 12h00 - drinks time!! So we headed off to a wine bar and had the most delightful time analysing world tension and had further intellectual chit chat over Nachos and some decent grapes. More wine was consumed post wine bar at home with my housemate accompanied by a curry, cous cous and Haribos.

Monday: The Bank Holiday
Oh nothing major - my boyfriend and I just completely overindulged on copious amounts of sushi!
On Monday evening I even googled "over eaters anonymous" I was relived to see I am not quite in that category despite the inability to stick to my bloody weight loss programme and reach my bloody target which is only 10 kilograms away - what is my problem?

Yesterday I was back to the grindstone much to my horror and then as my boss would say... "the sh*t came falling from the sky". Everything that could go wrong went wrong... I even went spinning to try and get the endorphins pumping and cheer myself up!!
Did you hear that? I went to gym to cheer myself up - can I can top marks for the most improved fat kid please?

Today Black Mamba has returned from her mini break and has moved my desk so that I sit right under her right nostril. BM is now right behind me so she can see every move I make - it is painful! Crikey she is loud and screechy and driving me to drink. On Friday she even took me out to lunch - I regret no promotion or raise to speak of but rather she was sussing me out and trying to get me to "fess" up with all the team gossip. I was in such a predicament... say nothing and she does not trust me again and say too much and risk her firing me. I chose middle ground and just offered some random comments but I was most irritated because I felt it was so unprofessional of her however.... you heard of karma and bad fairies?

BM had to go to the loo so she popped into a local pub on our way back to the office. I was standing at the entrance waiting for her. BM was taking forever so I just casually walked closer to the loo and noticed a little gold plaque saying "gents" on the door. He he he! There BM was, stuck in the men's toilets on the loo and was in a complete panic as she could hear all men's voices and could see them using the urinal through the crack in the door!

School Daze

Happy Friday everyone! I am over joyed that the week is finally coming to an end. Not one single drop of wine has passed my lips and finally tonight I will feast on the grape and let my hair down. Of course I will have to do this in.... moderation (a word which until recently was like a swearword to me). The thing is, once again, I will be meeting up with more of the boyfriend's family, the older brother and his wife so of course, I will have to be on my best behaviour. I went to school with his older brother and have not seen him for 4 years. In fact I have not seen him since my disastrous ten year school reunion - I am sure tonight some of those old faces will be coming out of the woodwork...

Everyone dreams that at their school reunion they will have the most elaborate and exciting story to tell their peers, perhaps look like a supermodel, have a lovely husband, perhaps have heaps of money and have stories of being headhunted and climbing up the career ladder. I had every intention to have achieved all of the above by the dreaded date but, no such luck.
I pulled up in the city where I was schooled and went to the local pub where the class of '95 was to meet for a couple of drinks before the celebrations began. My outfit of course was carefully picked out, hair and make up was perfect, I had psyched my up for the grand occasion and was ready for action!
I was the last to arrive at the pub and walked in to see my class already merry with drinks in hand....Hello hello hello - we all kissed each other hello (once on each cheek like the French) which amused me, we were all trying to act a bit posh and that is where it all started... suddenly all my stupid school girl insecurities came flooding back with one sip of my cider accompanied by the screeching of over excited females. In a heartbeat the idea of hooking up with the boys from our year a few hours later made me feel all agitated and uncomfortable - there I was morphing back into my ridiculous 17 year old self and my stress levels were soaring.
I was still chubby, had no career to speak of, no cash, no boyfriend, I had absolutely no story to tell and for eyes were itchy (probably from blinding light radiating from all the flashing of engagement rings - vomit!) and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin.
When we hooked up with the guys from my year, my boyfriend's brother as per my school days, was the ring leader and started nailing people with fines and shots and got us all merry. I was the quiet little moron sitting in the corner... at a time in my life when I wanted to look amazing and wow my friends (very superficial I know) I had contracted double eyed conjunctivitis and was blinded to the point of having to be led around by hand and guided whenever I made a move. How humiliating!
The uber babes were still the uber babes. The class jocks who fell at their feet were still doing so and confessing their undying love for them after all these years. The very overweight girl who missed the school dance because she had such low self esteem had transformed into a gorgeous, slender hottie, the class nerd was still dorky and still in love with her Cello, class rebel was now a complete goth I did not even recognise her, class head buck (head of the non prefects) had come out of the closest and was living with her lover, the lover's child and their Labrador and me.... I was just the same... exactly the same except of course with a chronic eye infection.
You know I think everyone has at least once dreamt of a moment when you arrive at a party and face all your 'demons' (ex boyfriends, old friends, the class bullies, snobs, basically all those types that have ever thought you were not good enough) and of course you look absolutely drop dead gorgeous, you are super successful and life is "just the berries".

Thank God I grew up and no longer have this desperate desire to impress and be cool. The best thing is now I just say "screw it" - take me or leave me!
Don't get me wrong people - I still want to be a Goddess - there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that however, I want to be a Goddess for me, to feel good, walk tall and be the best I can be. If a few people from the past happen to notice me and think I am a now a hottie then so be it, I would be lying if I said that would not be satisfying!

Wish me luck - BM is taking me out to lunch! If you don't hear from me on Monday, please come looking for me....

S.O.S

BLACK MAMBA HAS ME IN HER CLUTCHES.... - will blog tonight!