Friday 28 August 2009

School Daze

Happy Friday everyone! I am over joyed that the week is finally coming to an end. Not one single drop of wine has passed my lips and finally tonight I will feast on the grape and let my hair down. Of course I will have to do this in.... moderation (a word which until recently was like a swearword to me). The thing is, once again, I will be meeting up with more of the boyfriend's family, the older brother and his wife so of course, I will have to be on my best behaviour. I went to school with his older brother and have not seen him for 4 years. In fact I have not seen him since my disastrous ten year school reunion - I am sure tonight some of those old faces will be coming out of the woodwork...

Everyone dreams that at their school reunion they will have the most elaborate and exciting story to tell their peers, perhaps look like a supermodel, have a lovely husband, perhaps have heaps of money and have stories of being headhunted and climbing up the career ladder. I had every intention to have achieved all of the above by the dreaded date but, no such luck.
I pulled up in the city where I was schooled and went to the local pub where the class of '95 was to meet for a couple of drinks before the celebrations began. My outfit of course was carefully picked out, hair and make up was perfect, I had psyched my up for the grand occasion and was ready for action!
I was the last to arrive at the pub and walked in to see my class already merry with drinks in hand....Hello hello hello - we all kissed each other hello (once on each cheek like the French) which amused me, we were all trying to act a bit posh and that is where it all started... suddenly all my stupid school girl insecurities came flooding back with one sip of my cider accompanied by the screeching of over excited females. In a heartbeat the idea of hooking up with the boys from our year a few hours later made me feel all agitated and uncomfortable - there I was morphing back into my ridiculous 17 year old self and my stress levels were soaring.
I was still chubby, had no career to speak of, no cash, no boyfriend, I had absolutely no story to tell and for eyes were itchy (probably from blinding light radiating from all the flashing of engagement rings - vomit!) and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin.
When we hooked up with the guys from my year, my boyfriend's brother as per my school days, was the ring leader and started nailing people with fines and shots and got us all merry. I was the quiet little moron sitting in the corner... at a time in my life when I wanted to look amazing and wow my friends (very superficial I know) I had contracted double eyed conjunctivitis and was blinded to the point of having to be led around by hand and guided whenever I made a move. How humiliating!
The uber babes were still the uber babes. The class jocks who fell at their feet were still doing so and confessing their undying love for them after all these years. The very overweight girl who missed the school dance because she had such low self esteem had transformed into a gorgeous, slender hottie, the class nerd was still dorky and still in love with her Cello, class rebel was now a complete goth I did not even recognise her, class head buck (head of the non prefects) had come out of the closest and was living with her lover, the lover's child and their Labrador and me.... I was just the same... exactly the same except of course with a chronic eye infection.
You know I think everyone has at least once dreamt of a moment when you arrive at a party and face all your 'demons' (ex boyfriends, old friends, the class bullies, snobs, basically all those types that have ever thought you were not good enough) and of course you look absolutely drop dead gorgeous, you are super successful and life is "just the berries".

Thank God I grew up and no longer have this desperate desire to impress and be cool. The best thing is now I just say "screw it" - take me or leave me!
Don't get me wrong people - I still want to be a Goddess - there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that however, I want to be a Goddess for me, to feel good, walk tall and be the best I can be. If a few people from the past happen to notice me and think I am a now a hottie then so be it, I would be lying if I said that would not be satisfying!

Wish me luck - BM is taking me out to lunch! If you don't hear from me on Monday, please come looking for me....

Thursday 27 August 2009

S.O.S

BLACK MAMBA HAS ME IN HER CLUTCHES.... - will blog tonight!

Wednesday 26 August 2009

Writer's block

I actually feel ill I am so over-excited! My boss has just finally bloody left the building for an external two hour meeting.... ah the small mercies! For a very hair raising and scary minute I thought the meeting was cancelled, I would have been stuck with the Black Mamba on her crazy war path for the entire day... Luckily she was in such a foul mood that I did not move from my seat or have a chance to inspect the goodies from the treat table so perhaps I should thank her.

I am afraid I don't have anything too exciting to tell you today despite being relaxed and happy post Black Mamba's exit. I think I may have "writer's block" - perhaps it is because my pants feel so tight that they are somehow interfering with the oxygen supply to my brain!
I am just having one of those days... bad hair day (static electricity and dark roots starting to show themselves), two pimples are dominating my face (let's call them Ben and Jerry) and my paunch seems to be growing (think I am having a food baby)!
Oh yes and then.....in today's Metro Cindy Crawford is quoted as saying:
"I have cellulite - I admit it. But sometimes I just think - screw it - I am going to wear a bikini"... - I am starting to think, as hot as she is, she is not a Goddess - I mean who says that? Real woman have to say "screw it" everyday and it is not even when you are about to don a string bikini in the Bahammas, it may even just be putting on a t-shirt or a dress for work! Big deal Cindy - dry your eyes!

So here I sit, about to sign off, eating my chunky vegetable soup (86 calories), attempting to see the light at the other end of my "food baby" tunnel, only to hear the determined chomping of my colleague ploughing through her cheese panini. For dessert, my colleague has a coke, Cadbury buttons and wine gums..... me on the otherhand, I have a low fat soya yogurt, a litre of water and an apple!

I have to hang in there. I once read this sweet quote:
"by perserverance, even the snails got to the arc"

Judging by the rate of my weight loss I am definitely the snail in this story so, on that note........................
HOLD ON NOAH - I AM COMING!!!!

Tuesday 25 August 2009

Releasing my 'inner cave man'

Do you think that if you have a sliver of cake and drink two litres of water shortly thereafter... that the cake dissolves into nothing and the calories seize to exist?
This time it was genuinely a sliver of cake per kind favour of bloody W.I. so good on me, I have done my bit for developing the skills of British woman . I was resisting ever so brilliantly until my colleague literally lured me over to taste the cake from her mother's 60th birthday party!
Anyway I am over it, I have pulled myself together and I now I am moving "onwards and upwards".... tomorrow I am back at the gym after a few days break because of a minor summer cold.
I am a bit annoyed, my boyfriend who does not know a thing about my secret mission and started his own personal "body beautiful" after me, is losing weight and feeling "right on track" with his goals. What?
Crikey I better shake a leg as next thing "Ken" is going to upstage "Barbie" and that cannot be done

Men are so uncomplicated when it comes to things like this - if they are too fat, they go to gym, stop drinking beer and suddenly over night the Webber lid that that they had appeared to have swallowed is nowhere to be seen! As for us woman... if we are overweight a whole psychological can of worms opens up - we look at the cause, root and symptoms of the problem, join a gym (but of course sometimes that does not work ), then you join a walking club, buy new gym kit, buy weight loss mags, invest in new trainers, put your life on hold until the weight is gone... then banish all wine to speed up the weight loss process but then..... re-introduce it to drown your sorrows and suddenly years down the track and the same ugly and stubborn kilograms are there still there....just popping up over them trousers and there it is, the bloody muffin top!! Seriously I hate to admit it, but instead of trying to find my "skinny girl's mentality" perhaps I should find my "inner man" or should I say.... "cave man"

"ME FAT ... ME MUST STOP EATING CRAP AND MUST THROW MORE STONES TO MAKE ME STRONG" -

According to the very annoying instructor at my gym who commented to me when I was signing my contract, after I told him my main goal was to lose weight and tone up...
"It is simple maths love... you just eat less and exercise more" grrrrrrrrr................ clearly maths has never really been my strong point!

Monday 24 August 2009

A porky but happy Goddess lies here.....

Another Monday, all calm and collected. No usual blues or aggravation with Black Mamba just totally "zenned out"! I have my flu caps to thank for my day through rose tinted glasses. I have not been feeling that 'hotsy totsy' this weekend, a few aches and pains, sore throat, sinus issues, earache and sleepiness and no it is not "Swine" or "Wine Flu" although I have to say that both (swine and wine) were very much part of my weekend - the swine (piggy): aka me... after eating blimmen Ben and Jerry's ice cream yesterday after a rib and steak barbeque/braai and then of course the wine which is what washed all the food down with!
I will not make reference to falling off the wagon today or confess my ever amounting sins and the reason being is that I had such a fantastic weekend that somehow made the every expanding waistline a complete non-issue. You see, my boyfriend treated me like a Goddess the entire weekend, he cooked my friends and I delicious food whilst I drank wine, played 30 seconds (and won) and solved the world's problems. To top it off we ended it all off with a braai in the most beautiful sunshine (oh yes I forgot, I also had a long lazy two course breakfast with an old friend on Saturday. I will not confess anymore but I will just say it was not good... it involved Belgium chocolate!)
Although I continuously strive to reach Goddess status physically and will continue to do so, I have realised a large part of the Goddess factor is attitude and of course surrounding yourself with people that love you. They are the people that treat you like a princess regardless of the spare tyre around the waist, the silly job or sad bank balance amongst other things. My dad calls these people "foul weather friends" - they are those good people that think the sun shines out of your bum even when the "storm" is at its worst!
So if I die today, my epitaph will read: "a porky but very happy Goddess lies here".... is that really so bad?

OH MY GOD.....there go the rose tinted glasses.... my line manager is cutting his nails at his desk... is this not on the top 5 social taboos of all time? I think I need another flu cap (or five)

Hope you all have a happy Monday - you have 5 days to prepare for "FRIDAY DARE DAY" - think about it people...

Friday 21 August 2009

FRIDAY DARE DAY

FRIDAY DARE DAY - Happy Happy!

Today is pay day which means I pop into the Accesorise and by myself a treat. Usually it follows a week of good behaviour but, the mind is a funny thing and suddenly, I am allowed to buy something although I have been terribly naughty as now, it is to act as an incentive. Besides, "dare day" is my idea and I have to set a good example and by 9h30 am this morning I had clocked in 4 compliments! You see... it was so worth it!
The outfit for the day: dark blue jeans of course for dress down Friday, grey converse trainers (my uniform nothing daring about the shoes and pants), a white cotton shirt with a panel of smocking down the front, a buttercup yello short leave cardi (oh so British), a big gold heart shaped locket with stones, a chunky gold bangle and in my hair today, is my brandnew purchase... an aquamarine satin headband with a double bow on the side. I am yet to hear from those I tried to convert last weekend over a few bottles of wine to join in on "Friday Dare Day", I wonder what they did? I must say, I have heard from my most diligent 'student', she is wearing "dangly earrings" as her dare... she is my friend with a"blank canvas" for a body - a perfect size 10, but yes people she chose dangly earrings. God, If I had a body like hers...short, tight, white, backless, strapless, skinny jeans, hot pants, racer back, boob tubes, bikini, ra ra skirts, play suits aah the options are endless but actually, after reading that back to myself.... it sounds like I am having a "bad taste party", I would probably get arrested!

Oh dammit - it is 12h15 and I have already devoured my lunch, when will I ever learn? So now I am apparently a late bloomer and a slow learner. I did have a very healthy lunch though, 4 rice cakes, grilled slices of aubergine and red pepper and hummus. I am actually really full but I can see my afternoon treat and it can see me... but no no no! I have just bought myself and incentive so I am going to have to hold out a little longer so I can least feel like I have made some progress.

Tonight I am having a big night in and tomorrow night possibly the same. I am saying no to wine and avoiding a hangover at all costs so that I don't have to embarrass myself and tell you once again on Monday, about yet another accident I have had on my bloody unstable Wagon!

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY, PLEASE PRAY THAT THIS TIME, I DON'T LET GO OF THE REIGNS!!!!!!!

Thursday 20 August 2009

Black Mamba versus the Wicked Witch of Waterloo

I started off (this is now two days running) with a morning spin class.
Extremely skinny sinewy gym buddy is definitely not my conscience.... I don't think even my conscience would not be that thin.
The poor thing grunts and groans, gasps like she is taking her last breaths on earth and her 'barely there' skin looks like it is under the most enormous strain stretching over her ribcage. Surely the gym cannot allow this stick insect to exercise so vigorously, I am pretty scared she is going to break and she is bloody well going to inspire me to eat more one of these days!
That woman gives me a fright every time I see her... somebody, give her a burger!

Today is going brilliantly If I don't say so myself. I have only had watermelon and cereal and that is it people and the time is 12h42!
This has to be a breakthrough. I have not snacked on a single thing! I did open my draw and look for a snack at 10am but luckily all my treats are done and I only have 20 pence in my wallet so.... I have been a little angel by default and I don't care - I am going to claim it.
Black Mamba is a bit manic today and zipping around like a bat out of hell. Today, however, all her venomous words and snipes are aimed at the CEO's PA, Evilena, The Wicked Witch of Waterloo! Evilena is a swear word around these parts and rumour has it if she crosses your path, you have 7 years bad luck! Black Mamba and Evilena are literally arch enemies and have "hargy bargys" on a regular basis. I have to admit, as a result of my Stockholm Syndrome, I end up fighting and defending "team Black Mamba" as if my life depended on it - it really is so sad. The good thing is when Evilena is up to her tricks.... my day becomes freed up to daydream, fictitious shop and talk to the "cool kids" in the office. On days like these I bond so nicely with Black Mamba - she is like a long lost friend as I am all ears for her rants about Evilena in her office whilst the "cool kids" try desperately to hear any clues as to what is going on (obviously I tell them) but only when BM is nowhere in sight! Ah the joys and the good entertainment value of days like these!

Seriously no joke - Evilena is looking for me, if she leads me into temptation by inducing stress I will have to hurt her!!

PS. ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL THE WEEKEND!!!

Wednesday 19 August 2009

The NBFF (New Best Fat Friend)

Okay, so my ever faithful partner in crime in my timeless pursuit to lose "pies" has ditched me for her new best "fat friend" (aka NBFF). Together we have tried dieticians, Olga (a work from home miracle worker able to help you lose weight), Weigh Less, more dieticians, back to Olga, we tried running, gym, just eating soup... then just eating fruit, cutting out wine (that ended quickly) and numerous quick fixes and now tonight, in South Africa she is......... back to Weigh Less with the "chubster", her NBFF.

My partner in crime Foxy and I spent many hours drinking wine on my leopard print couch looking for the answers to our biggest and what appeared to be impossible questions:

"how the crap do we lose weight?" and "how do we turn superhot over night?"

The honest truth was we knew answers but the answers were just too difficult to bare.
No white wine (are they crazy? Wine is a from a grape, grape is from a fruit - what is the bloody problem)
No fanta orange (it was the only thing too cure the pain from 'too many grapes' it was a necessity)
No Creamed Spinach (yes so there is cream involved but spinach is a vegetable and good for you so....)
No Pizza (ahhh the only source of food in our community when the hangover has limited your mobility - it really was our only choice)

Foxy and I were real evil little gangsters on the weekend... I have to say that there were four of us in our posse back home , but the other two are skinny bats so they don't get a mention!!

So perhaps it is time that on the body beautiful mission, Foxy and I finally go our separate ways. It is truly the end of an era... maybe Foxy's New Best Fat Friend is not a bad influence, maybe she is an angel and will not lead Foxy into temptation .... and visa versa of course!

I so look forward to wearing my skinny jeans and my racer back top when we see eachtother again to solve the world's problems over a bottle of wine or three.

Foxy - Will I even be able to recognise you?

Good luck for tonight sista - until we meet again! Maybe this time we will finally reach our bloody goal weights!

Cheers to finding your "inner Goddess" and I have two word's for you.... GAME ON!

Tuesday 18 August 2009

...add to basket

So today it appears I have "got it together" - I have my wits about me and I have my focus back (thank the Pope).
In the minutes or hours surrounding my mini "oh my God I cannot believe I put the weight back on" panicked moments, which usually follow a weekend of crazy shenanigans, I am a salesman's dream - weak, vulnerable and ready for the next thing that might finally change my life once and for all!
There were an array of options presented to me yesterday; "10 sessions of kettle bell weight training for £70", "15 sessions Power Plate for £99" and "introduce a friend to Slimmer's World 50% off" (just to name a few) which one was it going to be? I almost blew some more money on by waistline, apparently good old fashioned will power, moderation and commitment don't even enter my mind at times like these.
Luckily most of my shopping online is fictitious and I never quite make it past the "Add to Basket" stage, amazingly I have some kind of practicality that overrides these mad episodes and makes me say to myself "pull yourself together girl and step away from that computer"! I got into a habit in those dark and dull hours during the festive season when everyone but me was enjoying the holidays. I would pretend I was rich and famous and that I was having a elaborate dinner party - I shopped and shopped, spent about £2000 on food and then..... [click] CANCEL ORDER! Of course I chose a gorgeous and expensive outfit from Karen Millen for the event for £2000 ....[[click]CANCEL ORDER and plenty of jewels from accessorise £150 .... [click]CANCEL ORDER, If I remember correctly, I even plotted a 'round-the-world' holiday with STA on a online map and....[click] CANCEL ORDER!
I cannot say that I am completely innocent, sometimes I accidentally click "PROCEED TO CHECKOUT" but of course I can always justify my purchases, there is always a reason or an excuse:

-Diet Chef: all meals delivered to your house for 28 days - lose 1 stone in 1 month" - I was tired of cooking and needed more time to myself

-Weight Watchers: I did not want to just lose weight but have a lifestyle change

-Callanetics
DVD - to change my body shape (Callan cares, "she is not a model or an actress just a teacher who cares about changing people's bodies")

-Vegetarian cooking recipe book - recipe ideas!

-Low fat cooking recipe book - more recipe ideas!

-1 year's subscription to Zest magazine (health tips/cooking and exercise tips)

-Matching underwear (any good behaviour deserves a set of matching underwear)

-Magazines - loads of them (all Goddesses must be in tune with what is en-vogue, tips, new products, who is doing what, new books etc)

I am proud to say yesterday, I survived all temptation (perhaps I should thank a power cut). I did not feel sorry for myself, I did not abuse my credit card nor did buy into a new weight loss phenomenon, I just simply just plodded on. In typical "FATTY MENTALITY" I did have a massive pasta for dinner (penne with deep fried spinach balls) which was absolutely delicious but pushed me over the edge after a weekend of eating way too much but I treated the over indulgence as the "wake" to my horrendous catastrophic weekend (which I never want to think about again).

So here we are once again, halo shining, stars in my eyes.... my inner Goddess is coming 'out of the bloody closet' whether she wants to or not!!

Monday 17 August 2009

Calm after the Storm

Ah another Monday and I suppose it is confession time....
I sit here hanging my head in shame, I had a calorific disaster of mammoth proportions this weekend. I am not even going to say I fell off the wagon... right now I would have to say the wagon threw me off and then rode over me a few times and does not particularly want me back on it!
What a shame, to think I was doing so well...

This morning I was in a complete panic, I had a notebook out frantically writing out a new gym regime (obviously I had to up it to twice daily), designed a diet of about 250 calories per day and banned myself from all alcohol and social functions until the end of time!
How could I be so reckless as to undo all my efforts - Oh my God, what diet should I try next? Weight Watchers, Weigh Less, Sure Slim, Atkins, Cabbage Soup - Ah no, it is all so tiring!

GET A GRIP WOMAN !!!!! Okay so after a couple of deep breaths and after giving myself a pep talk I calmed down to a meer panic.
Another mishap so what... I am a late bloomer, I have always known that so perhaps turning into a Goddess might take a bit longer than initially anticipated, so it appears that those skinny jeans are on the "top shelf" and hard to reach as opposed to in my grasp. I just hope they are bloody still in fashion when I am able to wear them.
So, despite my own disasterous weekend I managed to "Spread the word of finding one's inner Goddess" far and wide on Friday night after a few tipples so at least something went right...

-I invented "Friday - dare day" and managed to convince my posse to try it out this week. The girls have to try something new, experiment, push their boundaries and wear something, even a colour out of their comfort zone.


-I offered my services to revamp a girl's wardrobe and,


-I styled a friend there and then in the local pub from "drab to fab" when we noticed a old hunky conquest of hers had arrived at our drinking hole and... it worked!


Okay so for me and my own personal goals, it is back to the drawing board once again... I suppose the most important thing is not to give up!

I read this in a magazine this weekend, I forget who it is by:
"There is no such thing as an plain woman, only one that has not realised her full potential" - well there we go, even though I am a late bloomer, I will still be a beautiful flower one day!

Friday 14 August 2009

Battle of the Titans

HAPPY FRIDAY!

The weekend is almost here, how glorious and to add to that, Black Mamba and my line manager are out of the office...
There is no mayhem or bad behaviour just a whole bunch of happy cheery people all excitable and in great moods. The only problem is, now that my boss seems to be bunking Fridays, all the girls go for lunch. On the surface it sounds fabulous but I have to eat my bloody 46 calorie soup! Grrrr!
As luck would have it, the bat did get to me yesterday so my halo came crashing down off my head and was replaced by evil little devil horns. Obviously it was not my fault (an excuse but you will understand...).
BM called me for a 121 meeting where we sit down together and just speak about her and only her of course for about 45mins.
Anyway, she bought me a "surprise" which she saved especially for our meeting... she built it up and built it up and I was wondering what in the world could this awesome surprise be. BM apparently felt I deserved a treat after a hard week of work. At 15h00 we sat down for our "chat" and then she gives me a little box, I open it and there it is ..... the anti christ has bought me a freaking 25 000 calorie door stopper size of Baklava. The woman was so proud of herself and I was just sitting there staring at her during our very own mini amnesty commission. First BM took a bite of her piece. As she clapped her jaws together issuing instructions, sticky goo escaped the sides of her lips and the filo pastry shrapnel found my forehead a few times then in mid chew she says, "come on, come on, eat up - don't you like my surprise?"

And people, there it was - the moment of no return.......
25 000 calories!

BM thinks she handed me an olive branch but oh no - she has handed me a trident! Game on lady, I ate under duress (okay fine I admit, it was good) but could I actually say no? Could I? No way. I am onto her!
I am thinking bringing a few South African delicacies into work, I think I will be starting off with a:

"Koeksister", she won't have a clue (for those of you that don't know: It is a South African syrup-coated doughnut in a twisted or braided shape (like a plait). It is prepared by deep-frying dough in oil, then dipping the fried dough into cold sugar syrup. Best eaten cold, koeksisters are very sticky and sweet and taste like honey. - Wikipedia) or a,

"vetkoek" (It is dough deep-fried in cooking oil and either filled with cooked mince or spread with syrup or honey or jam. It is thought to have its origins in Oliebollen, which go back to the time of the migration period. It is similar in taste to Mexican Sopapillas).

I will tell her they are Weight Watchers... (probably 50 points a pop) ha ha!
Watch this space, it is war.... the GODDESS versus GODZILLA!
I laugh in the face of danger and to think the silly woman thinks all I do, is fanny about with invoices!

Thursday 13 August 2009

The Mantra

My wings are flapping and my halo is gleaming..... I went to Powerplate "wobble board" yesterday after almost causing a protest along with my fellow "gym club" members at 5pm when the rain came down. We had lost interested and wanted to go home instead however - we persevered and pulled through. In the first few seconds I did not disappoint and much to my team member's delight, I embarrassed myself by wobbling my way right off the PowerPlate. As the glass progressed, us girls were gritting our teeth together, squatting and sweating (so unattractive) as the instructor counted down in her very loud foreign accent "5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1", all the men pumping iron decided to stop what they were doing and look in our direction and started clapping for our efforts. I wanted to die right there and then. I noticed all us woman quickly glancing into the mirror to check what we were looking like and believe you me, judging my our expressions, we were all horrified!
Then this morning I went to gym - again and did a spin class! Now I am hurting. I am hurting so much that I have not even had my lunch yet at 12h44 as even the thought of walking to the microwave is painful!
The sinewy skinny girl is haunting me - she is always at the gym. No matter how much I shuffle up my gym routine, the woman is always there. I am starting to think she is not real and just my conscience following me around to annoy, irritate and supposedly motivate!

Today is going okay despite major irritatation with the Black Mamba but, I am determined to think happy thoughts today so I refuse to mention her again or else I will find some comfort food and she is not worth sacrificing my waistline for!
Sometimes I think some people are put on this earth to wind you up and she is one of them. I actually at times want to say "ha ha where the cameras - funny one".
When I was at boarding school, I had this dorm mate who came from a family of 5 girls. The family lived locally so for a treat one weekend they signed my friend Kim and I out for a home cooked meal. The sisters were carbon copies of each other - all tall skinny, legs that went on for miles and each sported a massive bubbles (the clipped back and raised fringe - very trendy at the time). The mother doted over her "beautiful and gifted" daughters. On our day out the mom, Biddy I think her name was, got the girls to dress up and do fashion shows for our benefit.... . My friend and I, both vertically challenged and "strong" (for lack of a better word) were made to endure a day of watching the sisters dressing up and listen to the sickly sweet words of praise spewing out of Biddy's mouth. Biddy felt desperately sorry for us rotund outsiders and our apparent good gene deficiency that she took us aside and made us repeat a mantra she learnt when she was a kid to fend off any potential bullies (she obviously thought we were prime bullying targets) - this is all going on whilst the girls are working the "catwalk" and Kylie is blaring in the background .... here it goes:

"I presume that your presumptions are precisely incorrect that your diaboloque insolence is more than I can tolerate from a microscopic individual such as yourself...."

I still have that bloody thing ingrained in my brain after 17 years! I think that weirdo Biddy hypnotised me. Those are the first set of words that pop into my brain everytime someone is rude to me. I wonder what BM would say if I started accidentally blurting out that mantra - I think I would even just be bullied just for saying something so ridiculous!
At the wise old age of 31 if I have an outburst and of course years of good solid education I think I will sideline any mantra for a simple yet punchy "BUGGER OFF" - you like? Please note: This is pretty impressive with no very un-Goddess-like colourful expletives!!

Wednesday 12 August 2009

Pandora's box

I woke up this morning with a twinkle in eye and a swagger in my step - oh my God, I could barely contain myself as only two days left until the weekend so I turned on the TV and to watch the news whilst getting dressed for work and with absolute horror I heard.... "Wednesday the 12th August". Don't you just hate it when that happens? So like a harsh reality it is only blimmen Wednesday. BM is meant to be out the office all day but as if on purpose, she has cancelled every single appointment so she can just sit and breath down my neck all day. BM is one of those types that wants everyone to know she is so busy and that "she is doing four people's jobs blah blah blah", she even announced in a rage that she was the hardest working person in this business and that she works 27 hours a day..... yes people she said that, to think she is the big earner in our relationship...

Yesterday was not all that great on the body beautiful plan. That stupid chocolate from France came back to haunt me as I neglected to throw it in the bin, well I had to do something so... I ate it. I actually ate far too much but snacked on good things as opposed to the usual binge menu of Maltesers, Randoms, Aero bubbles and pretzels. Suddenly, late afternoon I got an attack of conscience and decided to frantically add up all the calories of the bits and bobs I had eaten to see how evil I had actually been. Had I screwed up to the point of no return to the point that you right a day off or, was I still in the Goddess game? You will not believe it, after snacking up a storm on oatbakes, a soya yogurt, a fruit bar and crackers I was still under my 1200 calories and still had room for dinner - wow!! I must be learning here, perhaps I really am on the road to hotness.

I actually beat myself up quite often with regards to eating too much crap and get so anal about eating good foods but sometimes I think I am actually quite tame, there are some big players out there.... you should see my colleagues that sit in close proximity to me. Lately I have been watching what other people eat as I wanted to see how other women manage their diets and of course, I cannot help ogling at everyone else's food when I know I have a very boring 80 calorie soup in front of me to feed the midday hunger. When I ease myself up to peer over the divider it is like seeing Pandora's box open in all its glory...there are crisps, cokes, chocolates, cheese paninis and a few ready meals. My colleagues "lunch packs" usually are made up of a bit of a 'meal deal'... a coke, a sandwich, a piece of fruit, a bag of crips and a chocolate. Good lord, If I had that everyday I would be the size of a house, in fact, if I just looked at a meal deal I would be the size of a house!

I am still being a Fairy God(ess) Mother and supporting the newbie Georgina - her and I talk calories, lost inches, shoes and handbags - a true star Goddess in training... at least we have each other to ensure no "meal deals" pass our lips and tonight we are off to gym club once again to the very unnerving Power Plate (the giant vibrator) for a wobble and tone.... I am not feeling that slender this week but I am telling myself that it is my "body adjusting" to keep me sane and sober!

Tuesday 11 August 2009

Patience is a Virtue...

At exactly 10h35 am this morning I walked passed the treat table and without thinking reached out and grabbed "yummy surprises from the South of France". I eagerly opened the wrapper and without a second thought, put the chocolate in my mouth and then,out of nowhere.... "SKINNY BRAIN" came to the rescue and saved me or rather saved me from an expanding waistline and I have no doubt, an entire day of gorging on chocolate. In "Fatty Mentality" the maths is simple; there is no such thing as a 'sliver', a 'nibble' or a 'bite' and obviously one of anything actually means fifty! I feel quite smug, right in front of me lies the untouched and re-wrapped chocolate and I have no desire to eat it - however before I get too cocky, I should dispose of it just in case I lose my concentration in those desperate hours before close of day.

Oh my word my lunch is almost finished, how sad and considering I finished my entire snack pack before 11h00 means the next morsel that passes my lips will be at 20h00, you would think that by now in week four I would be a pro at staggering my meals but ... no such luck!
Tonight I am going to the gym for a little runaround. Hopefully it will be quick and effective, today's target = "bingo wings"! This weekend I prematurely decided to wear a racer back top to the "family braai/barbeque." The aim was to wear a top underneath the racer back to ensure no excess skin was on display however, the two tops on top of each other did me a gross injustice by making me look enormous.
I had no option, I had to be brave, grit my teeth and attempted to wear the bright red racer back top with pride. I was at my boyfriend's house and it was the only clothing option I had. Thank God whenever you catch your reflection you can never see your back so, what I could not see of course, could not ruin my day. I am however, fully aware that this may have been a terrible wardrobe malfunction which everyone has decided not to tell me about!
Note to all, never jump the gun and attempt wearing your "Goddess unveiling" dream outfit before it is time!
Patience is key - I need to accept that transforming myself is not going to happen overnight. I am not an idiot, I knew all along I was not going to just go to bed one day and wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. I did think perhaps it could or just may be able to happen over a month?! Is a month too much to ask?
Alright enough of the silliness, I better stop moaning or you know what is going to happen.... the chocolate will go straight back in the mouth and this time for good!
Moral of the story... the magic potion that will turn you into a Goddess is patience (Boring huh - but so true it hurts!)

Monday 10 August 2009

If you can't stand the heat - get out of the kitchen!

Well what can I say... my Monday posts are my "Church" ... once again I have a confession.... "Skinny brain" abandoned wagon from the minute I signed off on Friday. I have the most amazing ability, despite having good willpower 99% of the time, to somehow justify all untoward behaviour with the comment "ah life is too short" - that comment just stitches me up and then it is all downhill from there. At the time, it is with out a doubt the correct decision but the next day, my tail is between my legs and life is not short at all but a bloody long road to goal weight!!

As I mentioned on Friday, my boyfriend's family joined us for a big barbecue on Sunday (the one that almost ended in a trial separation over the menu). Yes, you will be disappointed to hear that I ate chocolate, bread, ice cream, apple crumble, roast potato you name it or any food group for that matter - I ate it but, please give me some forgiveness though as I managed to out do my man with our silly little culinary "competition". Please note, I made apple crumble....it was a last minute solution as the boyfriend's Pavlova flopped spectacularly! I cannot take all the credit, I was on a hotline to my mother and sister the whole morning getting tips, suggestions and recipes. I had to do this in private of course so as to not let on that I might not be the domestic Goddess he may think I am. I really wanted to beat him in the kitchen but I felt so sad when he had to throw the meringue away, he looked absolutely defeated and desperate. The poor man was so keen to impress his family and pay them back for their generosity with his hospitality that the pressure was too much that whatever could go wrong did go wrong!
We had a chat yesterday and he thanked me for all my help and for doing such a good job and I had to tell him that my Mom helped me with everything and saved the day!!
I think it is fair to say is that "team work" won at the end of the day...... well until next time of course!!

Monday morning started off eerily calm at the office. I was treading softly as I felt there was potential mayhem hiding behind every minute that past.
It has been a unusually easy glide into Monday. I started off with a gym session followed by a leisurely stroll into the office at the ridiculously late time of 9am (my boss was at an external meeting), I then discovered that the entire network was down, so no computers and no phones were working - what an absolute pleasure!
I happily sat at my desk munching away at my 120 calories worth of Granola and read the paper - such bliss.
Black Mamba then arrived, and like a foghorn, broke the peace and shattered my "happy place" and jolted me back to reality.... I wonder what the week holds for me and my captor - BM?

No weigh in this morning I am afraid to say - I just could not face the music and Monday morning is bad enough without the drama of seeing the damage of a weekend off the wagon.

Perhaps I will have some good news tomorrow.... watch this space!

Happy Monday!

Friday 7 August 2009

"Friends and foes...."

What a pleasure, the Black Mamba is not in the office today so as you might have gathered, for the moment, there is absolutely no "shi* falling from the sky"!
There is a quiet excitement over taking the office as the big boss is nowhere insight in fact, as we speak the evil one is in the dentist's chair... all I am saying is....pure karma!
Today I will be able to take a lunch break, a nice long leisurely one (a whole hour) with the team which I am so looking forward to. To add to the merriment of the weekend drawing near, I got my first compliments today, the first in ages. Apparently my ensemble is "fabulous" and even random lady in the kitchen told me "I lurrrve your look"! Yes please, bring it on! I think the "look" has something to do with my silk headscarf and big chunky wooden bead necklace.
Ladies something I have learnt over what feels like the 30 long years I have been on diet is that... accessories are your friend and ally! The thing is your body can change, your bank balance can deteriorate and your clothes might get stale but accessories are always there, quite literally - through thick and thin!
When feeling my absolute worst both my heaviest and most invisible, I simply put flowers in my hair or a colourful scarf around my neck and immediately it makes me feel like a new fee spirited person. I am not talking a plain expensive gold chain, I am talking bold, colourful and slightly Bohemian and playful.
Seriously, it is worth a try....give it a whirl!
On the other hand and trust me when I say this... jeans and trousers are not your friend! Ask my mother about this one. My mother and I would have to psyche ourselves up whenever it was time to go 'new jeans and trouser hunting'. It would always end in tears and a tantrum. My Dad just stood back helpless and tried to be encouraging by telling me that if I found a good pair of pants that fitted well, to buy a pair in every colour. Nothing ever seemed to fit, I was an odd shape, short and looked like an idiot, so in the end shoes were always the winner. Pink shoes, green shoes, heels, flats you name it - I have been size 5 for as long as I can remember! No problem there, nothing changes no matter what goes in my mouth! Now that the credit crunch is with us, shoes have taken a back seat and accessories are the answer. Every Friday (payday) on the way to work, I buy myself something small and today it was the silk scarf and my word it was worth every penny, I feel glamorous and everybody thinks it looks wonderful!

Tomorrow I have a big lunch with my boyfriend and his family. His aunt, uncle, 3 cousins, 1 cousin's husband and 2 second cousins!
As it turns out my man is a foodie of note and learnt everything he knows from cooking channels (he chops meet like flipping Jamie Oliver)! It was quite amusing last night, I found myself having a debate as to what would be on the menu for the onslaught of his "clan". I got to choose the potato dish and the salad and he got to choose the main, sauce and dessert (not fair)! My man is making bloody Pavlova - can you believe it? We came to an amicable decision that next time we have a dinner party we will have to play "fives" or draw course suggestions out of a hat! I think we are now actually competing as he told me that he thinks I am scared that he is the better cook than I am.
He clearly does not realise that I am always up for a competition and that I have my my brilliant cook mother and excellently clued up entertainment guru sister on speed dial....Mom and AB hope you are ready this, get ready for tomorrow - I might be phoning a friend!

Oh my goodness it is lunch time.... Yippie, I am so ridiculously over excited I am getting delirious! Oh my word my fellow Goddess in the making (my protege Georgina) has just devoured a caramel wafer bar right before my eyes! What? I suppose it is Friday after all and I plan on following her in her footsteps by treating myself with a glass of wine. Once again I will attempt to try enforce the thinking of a skinny person and keep reminding myself that this weekend is not the last time I will ever see food, which means there is no need to start a food feeding frenzy.

So long, have a great weekend, watch this space for Week 3 weigh in on Monday! Hold thumbs.......

Thursday 6 August 2009

War Zone

This will be short and sweet as BM is shouting obsceneties - apparently "sh** is falling from the sky" as we speak....

Yesterday went from bad to worse after I signed off:

7h30 went spinning with Adolf's granchild - the "Superbitch"

11h00 protesters bombarded our building. The sounds of sirens, bongo drums and the shouting was deafening. I did go down to reception to watch our "heavies" (security and all the biggest guys in the building negotiating).

15h00 BM sends me to buy her lunch (and steal orange juice from a meeting room on the way
back)

15h02 Crazy gunman runs around on opposite side of the road to where I was standing and shoots two cops. I am so busy humming "Runaway Horses" by Belinda Carlise to myself I do not notice a thing!

15h15 All staff glued to the our glass windows watching the action - snipers, police getting
briefed, forensics, press... the works! The Pomms are so obsessed with health and saftey we are told to "step away from the windows and remain seated at your desks"... whatever?! I am a CSI fanatic what are the chances?

18h00 Then finally - "The Brazillian wax job".................... need I say more??? What kind of sadistic pig dreamt that stuff up. I wanted a litre of wine after that but a class of ice cold water had was my only option grrrrrrr .... tough life!

Got to race BM is back!

Wednesday 5 August 2009

Armageddon

I slept like the dead last night. The sound of my alarm clock this morning was excruciating but nevertheless I got up, got dressed and walked the station and before I knew it I was on the train and it was to late to turn back. I yawned the entire way, even perched on my bike and waiting for the instructor to arrive, I was still yawning... but then my peaceful little world was shattered! In she came.... seriously she must be some kind of descendant to Adolf himself. The woman wore camo and did not stop screaming and grunting from beginning to end, I constantly thought I was in trouble even taking a sip from my water bottle seemed to be a problem for her. By the end of it, Superbitch almost had us passing out and if you are thinking I was in a bad way you should have seen the sinewy extremely skinny chick, she was almost comatosed.
There was a lot of sweating, moaning and angst and I knew by the end of the session I had worked my butt off like never before. We all came out of the class breathing (barely), not saying a word but walking in what appeared to be slow motion up to the change rooms. It feels like our spin group from this morning has bonded for life after surviving a secret mission from saving the world from a potential mass destruction (cannot believe I have bonded for life with the skinny sinewy chick - unlikely friends, a bit like Laurel and Hardy?) I could not even put my make up on before work as my face was on fire and my foundation and mascara just melted off!

Other than my hectic wake up call, I am doing okay, I am actually feeling quite trim today. There are an array of snacks lining our treat table but right now I am not even bothered with it all although it has to be said, everyone knows about what I am doing so they would not let me near the damn table even if my life depended on it. My one colleague is now on "Operation Goddess" with me (day 1) ha ha, so glad day 1 is just a bad memory for me. She is such a bloody "goodie goodie" she is saving her snacks until 3 o'clock tea time!
Today I have been answering all her questions and various other colleagues and advising her of how to deal with hunger pangs, how much weight I have lost, what food choices are correct... I feel like a real old pro!
Am I becoming the local "Fairy God(ess) Mother? Yes people - I think so!? So now the pressure is on .... best I look the part!

Tuesday 4 August 2009

Bad Mood Betsy

The weekend was a right off, so I have decided to let it go into the great abyss and move onwards and upwards.
The weekend was lovely however, my "skinny brain" that I spoke about so lovingly on Friday was nowhere to be seen.... it was "fatty mentality" the whole way.
Monday hit me with a thud yesterday, I really was not ready for it. Everything went horribly wrong from work to visas to bills. I was "Bad Mood Betsy" and all fired up from start to finish infact, I can still feel a bit of "Betsy" with me today. Amazingly I did not show reckless abandon on my diet to cope with the day. I was well behaved and stuck religiously to my 1200 calories. I suppose to be fair, I cannot claim that I was really such an angel and that I have made major progress as of course, sometimes stress works the same way as having your jaw wired!

Today I was the first person at work, breakfast was at 8am and my first snack was at 8h30. I promised myself I would wait until 10 am for the snack but I lost my concentration and it was all over within seconds. I was meant to go to gym this morning but my body was not keen at all. I still got up early, armed with gym bag and missioned on towards the gym but kind of landed up at work instead. You know how much I "love" my job so how my body chose work over gym, God only knows. I would far rather be paid to spin, jog or even climb a mountain instead of fannying about in my office and running after BM.

Owing to my lack of communication yesterday I forgot to tell you that I have lost another 0.8kgs!! In total now I am 1.8kgs down and still going strong. After very subtly yet effectively sprinkling some "Goddess dust" my boyfriend started his own 'body beautiful' regime today. He is so proud of himself for going for his first gym session in ages this morning - oh my God, can you imagine, by December the two of us we will be like Ken and Barbie or .... Posh and Becks !
Isn't it funny the way your mind can play tricks on you... I am actually starting to think that by losing 10 kilograms, I am also going to get taller, bustier and suddenly have legs that go on for miles!!! A girl can dream...